I AM A FATHER
I AM A FATHER
TERRY CREWS
When a black man is unlawfully murdered, the impact of his death is not in isolation. He is the son, the lover, the spouse, the father to someone, so the tragedy of his demise is magnified for those left behind. In collective response to the killings of fathers SEAN BELL, PHILANDO CASTILE, ERIC GARNER, GEORGE FLOYD, and all black men who are not provided context, the men of ICON MANN salute. This Father’s Day, with the participation of some of our dynamic dads, we honor every black dad declaring, I AM A FATHER. Here is Terry’s story.
PART I: NOT AS I DO
Being a father means so much more to me because I had a less than ideal situation growing up. I was surrounded by lots of domestic violence, lots of alcohol, and gambling. Sadly, it was a caustic, toxic mix. I remember as a kid saying to myself, "When I have kids, when I have a family, when I'm a husband I want to do parenthood right. I want my children to feel safe," because I spent a lot of my time as a kid afraid, scared because when my father came home we hid and waited until he left before we could come out.
Now being a dad of five children, I’m able to correct many things, firsthand, that I feel should be done. Sure, I didn’t get everything right and I’m sure my first two children will tell you that I was way too hard and strict, simply trying to get them to be perfect. But that’s why you have to have more than one child because you get better at parenting along the way. Fatherhood is always an evolution and one you should be ready for.
My intentions, like most parents, were always good. We all, as dads, want to do everything right — send them to the perfect kindergarten, push them to get straight As, do things perfectly. So everybody got to do perfect, but the problem is — and it takes you a little time to realize — perfect is impossible. It will not happen. Mistakes will be made. You will be embarrassed or you do something embarrassing. But that’s what I love about parenting: the ability to make mistakes, make amends and keep loving you kids no matter what.
PART II: THE DAD DIFFERENCE
There are some things in this world that only your father can give you. Just like there are some things that only a mother can give you. I know that is controversial to some. However, as a father the first thing I give my kids is their name. I give them their last name. If I tarnish our family name as a father, it is passed down to the kids. If everyone knows me for negative things, it is passed down and it becomes something that children need to overcome. However, if I uphold our family name, and make it equal something great, then the kids automatically inherit that and can build upon it.
The second thing a father can give his children is their inheritance. Again, if they inherit the issues, they inherit the problems, trauma, that is on you as their father. On the flip side, if they inherit intelligence and riches and your hard work, then that is a blessing to them.
The third thing that a father should give his children is security. Protection and security mean that no one is getting through daddy to attack the kids. If a father isn’t there, a child will never feel secure. It is incumbent upon me as a father to provide security to my children in every way — physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Security can take the shape of physical protection and personal confidence. If I tell my children that they are capable of achieving their goals, they believe me.
PART III: IN SPITE OF
Notwithstanding his heavy drinking and violence, my father taught me a strong work ethic. With whatever was going on, he worked from sunup to sundown. It was because of him that I learned a long time ago that working hard is the key to changing your station in life.
My father grew up in Edison, Georgia which was a small town of less than 300 people. He worked his way up to Flint, Michigan, and worked his way to become a foreman. After that, he felt like he didn’t have to prove himself anymore. He grew our family by leaps and bounds because of his hard work. I learned that I could change my station in life by my work ethic and work, work, work. That is the key, it's not enough to talk about it. You have got to put some action behind it. I have always kept that with me, and it is the reason why I have achieved what I have.
PART IV: CREATED EQUAL
One thing I know for sure is that my kids were built for this generation, just like I was built for mine. People tend to judge kids using the rules of past generations, but that’s not accurate. Kids today have different challenges and unique approaches. Therefore, an enduring lesson I have tried to instill in my children is: You are not one iota less than any person on this Earth. Famous, rich, superstar, whatever, you are 100% equal in value to the best of the best of the best. But you're not one iota better than them. Oftentimes, kids get this idea from their parents that they are better than or that they are so wonderful. But that’s not true. I want my children to know that they are equal to every other person, male, female, everybody. They are your peers, your brothers, your sisters. No one is your slave and no one is your boss.
I want my children to always know that they can stand for themselves no matter what. If they say, "I'm equal to you,” now we can always stand on this plane and look each other in the eye. After all, I have told my kids, competition is the exact opposite of creativity. If you are competing, you are not creating.
PART V: THE FUN DAD
Towards my kids, my love language is fun. Fun, fun, fun. My wife always calls me ‘The Fun Dad’ because it’s the only way I know that kids will be interested. So whether it’s trips to Brazil, South Africa, China, France, or joining me at work, I always try to make things fun. They love entertainment and they love what I do. So my fatherly love shows up being fun and doing it big.
On the other hand, my greatest fear as a dad is my kids not doing everything they want to do. And being less than what they wanted. That's the hardest... I want them to get everything they want out of life. I’m mindful not to judge them too early and to let them make mistakes to learn into their early thirties. Of course, I’ll go in and help if they need it. But my fear is that they will be somehow disappointed with life and I want them to go for it. I want them to see it. And I want them to just be happy wherever they are.
Living life to the fullest is so important. Look at this pandemic. If we had to stay in the house for the rest of our lives, sure we’ll live, but are we living? No. I want my kids to go out there, do it, risk it, take a shot. I would much rather die doing what I love to do. I don’t want them to be scared of COVID-19 or the police. Of course, I want them to be safe and smart in all situations. But I want my kids to have that kind of boundless, fearless happy.
We Honor You.
ABOUT TERRY - Film and television actor and host, and designer. Credits include; America’s Got Talent, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, The Willoughby’s, Deadpool 2, and Everybody Hates Chris.
As told to Amy Elisa Jackson for ICON MANN
Photography and Video Direction by Dallas J. Logan + Dae Howerton
FATHER’S DAY 2020
