I AM A FATHER
I AM A FATHER
LANCE GROSS
When a black man is unlawfully murdered, the impact of his death is not in isolation. He is the son, the lover, the spouse, the father to someone, so the tragedy of his demise is magnified for those left behind. In collective response to the killings of fathers SEAN BELL, PHILANDO CASTILE, ERIC GARNER, GEORGE FLOYD, and all black men who are not provided context, the men of ICON MANN salute. This Father’s Day, with the participation of some of our dynamic dads, we honor every black dad declaring, I AM A FATHER. Here is Lance’s story.
PART I: THE PROTOTYPE
A father should be his child’s everything. You need to be emotionally available, spiritually available… you need to be available in every capacity that your child needs. You need to be that shoulder that they lean on. You need to be the protector. You need to be their guidance counselor, you need to be everything. That’s what my father was to me — my everything.
My father passed in 2017 and he was my hero. He wasn’t just a father but someone I always wanted to be. He has been the blueprint for me. Having kids, I wanted to mirror what he was, and those are huge shoes to fill. He did a great job of playing the part of the father and being all of it. I mean, I just try to be that every day. I ask myself, “What would dad do?”
He had dementia since I was in high school and even in his decline, we always had a tight relationship. I’m confident that he would be proud of the father I am now. He got a chance to meet my daughter, Berkeley, and I know he’s smiling down now that I have a little boy, Lennon.
PART II: STRIVING FOR GREATNESS
I am always evolving as a father, always trying to be better. I simply strive to mentally prepare myself for what's to come. Because right now my daughter is five, but you know our conversations at five are going to be different when she becomes 10 and 16. It’s always an evolution. I just try to be the best person that I can be, true to myself and my family, and just be everything that my wife and kids would want me to be.
I had such a close family growing up that I’ve always had dreams of creating my own. Family has always been home base for me and a grounding energy, so once the initial excitement wore off after hearing that my wife was pregnant, that’s when the fear and nervousness seeped in. “Could I fill the shoes of everything that a father needs to be?” That’s when I thought about my father and I knew I had the roadmap. Excitement has overshadowed all fear since then.
In all honesty, I’m a big kid. In a certain way, I am equal to my kids. Of course, I’m dad, the provider, but I am a big kid who likes Disneyland just as much as they do. Perhaps that is my unique way of showing my love — playing with them and being childlike with them.
PART III: GIRL DAD FIRST
We like to do this activity with Berkeley where we ask random questions just to engage her. We love to hear her talk, encourage her to articulate her feelings and thoughts. It’s super interesting and funny how she sees the world, what she thinks about, and how her mind works. My son is almost two so he’s just along for the ride right now. Sometimes we record Berkeley’s musings and some times we do it at the dinner table. My wife and I love to engage her and keep the conversation going just to see how wild it can get. I always want her to know that she can talk to us and that we care what she thinks.
So much has happened this year from the passing of Kobe Bryant to the current protests, we’ve talked with her about it. While she’s only five years old, we have talked about people going to heaven, and she is familiar with that because of my dad. There have been conversations about quarantine and sheltering in place. And while my wife has had most of the conversations with her, we always have larger conversations with the family.
The protests in Los Angeles, the Black Lives Matter movement, and police brutality have been topics. We are having those hard conversations even though she is you. One of her favorite books is about Rosa Parks, so she understands what protesting is and understands that she has to be a little fighter. I’m proud that my daughter wanted to protest. It can be overwhelming for them but important nonetheless.
PART IV: FROM ONE TO ANOTHER
If I was talking to another young man who was getting ready to have his first child or who had a newborn, the advice I would give him is to have a support circle of like-minded men that have kids, people that you can talk to. It's like when you get married. As a couple, you want to hang with other married couples. You need these support systems too because these men can relate to you. Fatherhood is as simple as asking the questions that you need to ask and just being the best person that you can be for your children and your family.
Honestly, fatherhood is easy. I love it and it’s the best thing I ever did. The greatest role of my life.
We Honor You.
ABOUT LANCE- Film and television actor. Credits include; Hawaii Five-O, Sleepy Hollow, Star, MacGyver, Meet The Browns, and Dutch.
As told to Amy Elisa Jackson for ICON MANN
Photography and Video Direction by Dallas J. Logan + Dae Howerton
FATHER’S DAY 2020
