I AM A FATHER
I AM A FATHER
BLAIR UNDERWOOD
When a black man is unlawfully murdered, the impact of his death is not in isolation. He is the son, the lover, the spouse, the father to someone, so the tragedy of his demise is magnified for those left behind. In collective response to the killings of fathers SEAN BELL, PHILANDO CASTILE, ERIC GARNER, GEORGE FLOYD, and all black men who are not provided context, the men of ICON MANN salute. This Father’s Day, with the participation of some of our dynamic dads, we honor every black dad declaring, I AM A FATHER. Here is Blair’s story.
PART I: BLESSINGS IN THE QUARANTINE STORM
19, 21, and 23. I am the proud father of three young adults. Two of them are in college and one has graduated, and, interestingly enough, the parenting just keeps going. Everyone is home now because of quarantine and there’s a sense that we’re throwing back to when they were all young in the house. We haven't all sat down and had dinner together, all five of us around the table for more than holidays or summer since they were kids. That's been a blessing in all of this – just spending more time.
Around the Underwood family dinner table, we have a lot of conversations about everything that’s going on from Corona to Ahmaud Arbery to George Floyd. One of the conversations that was very pointed and pivotal was the first couple of days after George Floyd was murdered. Many of my children’s white friends were calling them or texting them saying, “I want to post something, I want to say something, I want to feel something. I don't know what to say.” One of my daughter’s friends wrote a long text to her asking how to respond to everything going on. My daughter responded, “I’m your friend. Let’s just talk.” That’s how it has always been with this generation.
My son was in college and had the same issues. He was getting heat because Black frats were hitting him up saying, “Your frat is not predominantly Black. Y'all got more resources. What are you standing for?” He was feeling the heat. But I was able to give him advice. I said, “This is a time when your white friends, if they're your friends, you're friends for a reason. They want to get this right. They want to understand it. They want to hear your Black perspective. Not your college sport, not your SAT's, not who you're dating. That's all, this is real life. This is a moment when they're asking and they're trying, so if it's real and it's authentic, coming from a real place then tell them.” Being ‘black’ is a lifetime commitment. It was important for my kids to tell their friends and to remember for themselves that these protests aren’t a quarantine hobby.
Over the years, we’ve had a lot of these conversations, discussing the inter-relationship dynamics between their friends and relationships. They are coming to me and my family asking us questions, wanting to understand from a different perspective. So there's definitely a frustration like we've been telling you all that for years. We live it. The outrage you feel about GEORGE FLOYD is the outrage I felt about AHMAUD ARBERY three, a month ago. And BREONNA TAYLOR, two months ago. So it's constant.
PART II: GAIN SOME RECIPROCITY
Speaking to my kids’ generation and interacting with them, I do a lot of listening. I think it behooves us in our generation and older to listen to them because where they are, where they're coming from, how fast they've seen society change with the LGBTQ+ community. They've taught us, the older generation, to have a little more openness and understanding and tolerance and they're doing the same thing with race relations. It’s a reciprocal thing. It's mind-blowing. To see the diversity of the protestors out there — that’s different. Listening is so important because our kids’ experiences are different but it's reciprocated because they also know our experiences are different. They can learn from it. I am not dismissing your generation because everything is fresh and new.
The give and take, it’s what we try to foster within our family. Give everybody respect. whatever their life experience is at that time. If they're five years old, 15 to 21, 23. And, to be honest, because of the age of my kids, I have time to myself to listen and process. I feel for my friends who are homeschooling during this quarantine. Thank God we aren’t at that stage. But for my youngest who is 19, the conversations are just different. We’re having adult conversations. A lot of our conversations are relationship-centered. Their relationships, dating, and friendships.
PART III: GIVE IT TIME
Nowadays, everyone is pressed for time. Their lives, their generation…everything is compressed. My children’s generation may work a year or two at a job, and move on to the next gig. My parents' generation, it was like you stay. You get a job there for 40 years. Because everything around them and their world is so compressed, so are the relationships and expectations of relationships. However, I try to tell them that no matter how much has changed around us, technology, life, employment, politics, human nature is human nature.
It takes time to get to know someone in terms of relationships and building relationships and dating. Why don't you pick up the phone? Initially, they're all about texts and Snapchats. Spend time with this person. If you want a relationship to grow, you've got to put in the time. Not screen time, not FaceTime, real-time. Many of my relationship conversations with my kids are about that. If you give something time, give your relationship time, you'll learn about each other better, but it's a compressed generation. Immediate gratification.
PART IV: DADDY CAN’T PROTECT YOU FROM EVERYTHING
What gives me fear as a father? Their safety. Law enforcement. We work hard to build a life for them. School systems within certain communities, education. And there's certain things that you can't dictate and that's the world in which they live in. My job, our job is to give them the tools when they're stopped by the cops.
That is why I tell my son, “Whatever happens, I need you to put your pride, ego, humiliation, and frustration aside. I need you to de-escalate the situation. I just need you to come home. I just need you to come home.”
What is scary is that as a parent you cannot think of every scenario. I cannot role play every scenario to prepare them. After all, there’s BREONNA TAYLOR. Those are the things that keep me up at night. That’s why it has behooves me to have faith in the higher power. I have to have somewhere to go to pray, to have faith in. Because I cannot control this reality.
I come from a very prayerful Black family. I am always praying over my kids because it’s the only way that I know how to deal with the things I cannot protect them from. I have a conversation with God when I wake up every morning. I close my eyes and I see each one of my children’s faces, my family’s faces, and then my friends’ faces. I see their faces and I ask for God to continue to cover them and protect them. And use those words for each one. Just to keep them covered. Protect them.
We Honor You.
ABOUT BLAIR - Film, stage, television actor, and producer. Credits include; A Soldier’s Story (Broadway), Self-Made: Inspired by the Life of Madam C.J. Walker, Juanita, Quantico, Sex In The City, In Treatment, L.A. Law, and Krush Groove.
As told to Amy Elisa Jackson for ICON MANN
Photography and Video Direction by Dallas J. Logan + Dae Howerton
FATHER’S DAY 2020
