I AM A FATHER
I AM A FATHER
MICHAEL EALY
When a black man is unlawfully murdered, the impact of his death is not in isolation. He is the son, the lover, the spouse, the father to someone, so the tragedy of his demise is magnified for those left behind. In collective response to the killings of fathers SEAN BELL, PHILANDO CASTILE, ERIC GARNER, GEORGE FLOYD, and all black men who are not provided context, the men of ICON MANN salute. This Father’s Day, with the participation of some of our dynamic dads, we honor every black dad declaring, I AM A FATHER. Here is Michael’s story.
PART I: THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
When I first found out that I was going to be a dad, I was so excited. When I saw the test, I remember being really, really happy, and thinking it was a sign from God. My wife was terrified because we were not trying and it happened. That's a surprise. My wife loved being pregnant. I loved her being pregnant. It was an incredible first feeling. The way that I would describe it is like, the world just opened up a little bit. I didn't know if I was ready for it, but I was excited about whatever challenge this was going to be.
I never felt unprepared to be a father because I had a great relationship with my father. However, my father was sick at the time we got pregnant. One of the last conversations I had with him was when we FaceTimed him to tell him it was going to be a boy. My wife was about three or four months along and we told him — instant waterworks. Sadly, soon after he passed. I remember feeling like, "My father's will must be done because my son is coming. My son is coming and I must be ready.”
There was something about losing my father and gaining my son that just made me push through the mourning phase of losing my father with a renewed purpose in life. I remember that it was then that I realized that I was the man of the house now. I had to take care of my mom. I had to take care of my sister. I had to take care of my wife, and now my son. All of a sudden, I felt like a real adult at 39 years old. The term “adult” had so much more meaning and respect then for me. It was truly the circle of life. A profound juxtaposition of sadness and joy. The minute my son, Rakim, came out he looked just like my father.
Fast forward, when we had my daughter two years ago, the same thing happened. My mom passed away and 13 months later my daughter was born and looked just like her. I remember when my wife told me she was pregnant with our daughter, I didn't know it was a girl at the time, but I knew she was pregnant. Again, that combination of joy and sadness hit me again. All of a sudden I was like in tears and wondering, "God, why do I have to lose a parent to have a child?" I asked, “Why does this keep happening to me?” Nevertheless, it’s manifesting itself as my children grow up. I'm learning every day, every year. I'm more and more asking why. I feel like one day it'll all make sense. Right now, I just know it is my path.
PART II: THE SHAPE OF THINGS TO COME
Thinking about the father I am now and how my father influenced me, I look back and realize how affectionate my dad was with his words. He would always say “I love you, son. I’m proud of you. I love you.” I remember hearing it so much as a kid that it was so boring. It didn't really start to carry weight until I started to make it in this entertainment business and I would take him on the red carpets. That’s when I started to feel like, "Yeah I get it." He was very supportive, very loving. That gave me the confidence to take huge risks in proceeding with my career.
No one in my family ever even spoke about the dream of acting. If they had it as a dream, no one said anything. People in my family are like most people in this country prior to social media. They never felt like they had access. They were told to get a good job like a doctor or a lawyer, teacher, or a government job with good benefits. Therefore, the idea of aiming for something outside of the box of what was considered conventional thinking only came because of those moments of support from my parents.
After I finished college, I moved to New York without telling my parents why. I didn’t tell them I had a dream of becoming an actor until I had to call them to say, "I need you to cosign on the apartment." They were like, "What?" “So here's the thing, I got this dream. I know I got my degree and everything but I want to pursue acting. I want to do this, this, this.” And they were like, "Okay." 110% support. They simply asked, “How much do you need?” My parents didn't have a lot of money, so whatever they did have, they were able to give. I remember feeling like I just dropped a bomb and they were just supportive.
Now, the only regret I have now that I am a parent and husband is not having my parents here to be able to say, “Thank you,” over and over again. I now see what it takes to be a parent and how my children make me feel. To know that my parents were supportive of me and were affectionate with me and how that's affecting me and my children; they gave me all the tools I needed. Now, through counseling, I've learned a lot about how I was raised, how I want to raise my kids.
PART III: PARENTING FOR TODAY AND TOMORROW’S OBSTACLES
My parents’ way of raising my sister and me was appropriate for the time, but now it is antiquated. However, I think they would be proud of me as a parent. I have taken the best they had to offer and tried to continue that. Whatever, I think they may have gotten wrong, I have iterated on. With all of the resources we have now, my wife and I have an understanding that these kids are going to do versus what we did. It’s just different.
With all that is going on in the world in 2020, I don’t know that my parents would have weighed in much. They weren’t very politically active. However, I have had to speak with my therapist and my wife about how we talk to our children about the political climate, racism, and injustice. My wife and I discussed it, we have read articles, spoken to their teachers — the whole nine — because it's a real conversation. After all, my children are confronted by two forms of discrimination; they are both Black and Afghani. They can face battles on both sides.
My son, Rakim, and I have had a small conversation, I treated it a bit like a clinical trial. Once he got scared, we stopped. And that’s exactly what you’re supposed to. He’s still young, but when that day comes, I'm aware there's going to be a series of conversations. It's not just going to be the one conversation. This is going to be an ongoing thing for the next 20 years. My goal is to try and give him as much information and love as I can while I'm here because I'm not promised to be here. I have to share with him what I do know while I'm here. I do think that he can handle it because he's unique in that way. What's going to be interesting, I think, is my daughter. As a woman of mixed race between Black and Afghan, it may be harder to unpack all of that. That’s why I always say, “Why does it take nine months to make a baby?” It's to prepare you for what's to come.
PART IV: THE ROLE OF A LIFETIME
These days, I look at work as recreation. It’s great, but it is not the end-all. Being a father is the best job I’ve ever had. Work feels like a vacation. I could leave an incredible body of work that people can pour over while I’m gone, that's fantastic. But how I really impact the world is through the humans I raise and share with the world.
So in these times — between the politics and Black people dying and fighting for equal rights — I am trying my best to put my mask on first so I can protect others. It is hard to do that daily. It's a struggle to try and find some space to make sure you're okay before you start addressing everybody else's stuff. However, that’s the only way I look at surviving and taking care of my family. In the first few weeks of COVID-19 and sheltering in place, I became very protective of everybody. I realized that my wife, my son, my daughter started to adjust to home-schooling. It was stressful but we began to realize that this was going to become reality for a while. Stressing gave way to me trying to find a rhythm of living, to find my space so that I can really be present and that I don’t take any frustration out on them.
Ironically, this season is when I have tapped into something my father taught me. My father had a hard time not taking his frustration out on me and my sister. And there are times when I catch myself going there. I am happy that I have the awareness of that, but it doesn't mean I'm not susceptible to it as well. I have an analytical mind and I love structure. However, this time of life is teaching me a strong lesson: to go with the flow and enjoy every moment with my children.
We Honor You.
ABOUT MICHAEL - Film and television actor. Credits include; Stumptown, The Intruder, The Perfect Guy, Think Like A Man Too, About Last Night, Think Like A Man, 2 Fast 2 Furious, and Barbershop.
As told to Amy Elisa Jackson for ICON MANN
Photography and Video Direction by Dallas J. Logan + Dae Howerton
FATHER’S DAY 2020
