I AM A FATHER
I AM A FATHER
RON FINLEY
When a black man is unlawfully murdered, the impact of his death is not in isolation. He is the son, the lover, the spouse, the father to someone, so the tragedy of his demise is magnified for those left behind. In collective response to the killings of fathers SEAN BELL, PHILANDO CASTILE, ERIC GARNER, GEORGE FLOYD, and all black men who are not provided context, the men of ICON MANN salute. This Father’s Day, with the participation of some of our dynamic dads, we honor every black dad declaring, I AM A FATHER. Here is Ron’s story.
PART I: A RENEGADE BLUEPRINT
“Okay. It’s on.” That was the first thought that came to mind when I found out I was going to be a father. I was ready to be the dad that I didn’t have. I was ready to put the knowledge that I have into someone else. Raising humans is like an experiment. I knew I didn't want some of the substance that was put into me, I didn't want to put it into my kids. So I thought to myself, “What if we operate from a place of happy? What if I put love into my kids? What if I put caring into them? What if I hugged them? What about if we don't beat our children, and then want them to sit across from us and have dinner with us? What about if there was no alcohol in the house? What about if I never got high or drunk a day in my life? Let's see what this stimuli and this experiment would yield.”
At a basic level, that’s how I approached raising my three sons, Azzedine, Delfin, and Koshin. I thought to myself, “what did you dislike highly when you came up that somebody did to you? Okay, let’s not do that.” Therefore, when I was raising my sons — they’re all grown now — there was no abuse in my house. There was none of that dumb shit that we have passed on from generation to generation to generation across the continent, which is crazy. The same lines that people used to say, "I'll beat you til you're black and blue," or "Spare the rod, spoil the child."
All of those sayings and behaviors are a throwback to slavery. You don't beat somebody into submission and then they're supposed to do what you do. I couldn’t raise my sons like that. So when I first held my eldest son, I knew I had to do something different.
I didn't know my father. My father died when I was very young, like four or five. He drowned in a lake in Michigan in a freak current. So I don’t really have any memories of my dad. So growing up was hard. I couldn’t read and discovered I was dyslexic in high school. So all those years in elementary school they just kept moving me along; no one paid attention to me. Standardized education failed me and didn’t acknowledge that I was great at colors and other things. I came up thinking something was wrong with me and that I wasn't as smart as everybody else. They wanted me to think that something was wrong with me, but there wasn’t. I realized, “My life is everything.”
Fuck their standardized education. We're not standard. Everybody's custom. Teach me the way I need to learn. Not your standard that you want me to be like everybody. We shouldn't be. So that's one of the things that I raised my sons with is to treat them individually and to teach them in a custom, individualized way.
PART II: GROWING ROSES IN CONCRETE
Raising my sons in South Los Angeles, the biggest lesson I tried to instill in them was to be operationally happy. It’s very hard to do. Most people think you’re just happy, and it’s a happenstance, but it’s not. Some people simply can’t get too happy. While there should literally be a course called Happy 101, I taught my sons how to find and nurture their happiness. I didn’t want them to grow up to do what I did. I wanted them to find and do whatever made them happy. My oldest son at five, he told me that what me and his mom did wasn't important. We were fashion and clothing manufacturers. And he's like "’cause I'm going to be a doctor or a scientist." And that was great.
I never raised a hand to my sons. Never. I never pushed them to follow my path or to go to college or to follow some traditional journey. I always wanted to find out what they wanted to do. I wanted to nurture whatever that was. For two of my sons that was art and painting, for another it was accounting.
As children, all I did for them was to expose them. Exposure, exposure, and exposure. I exposed them to every fucking thing cause you don't know what's going to stick or not. And the bottom line, they get to see. A lot of times in these situations, shit is one dimensional. They get to see there's big, tall walls on both sides of them and they're both concrete. And they have asphalt on the ground. So that's their vision and they don’t get to see anything else. I wanted them to see everything.
Contrary to many parents, I made it clear to my sons that I wasn’t living for them. Sure, they lived with me and I was going to show them life, but I was not going to stop my life for them. We were all going to live. Like every dad, I wanted the best for my kids. However, I know that if I want the best for them, I had to let them be who the fuck they wanted to be.
PART III: HARD LESSONS & HANDS-ON LOVE
Growing up, my sons will tell you, was horrible for them because everything was a lesson. I made everything a lesson. Looking back, I didn’t really like that, but the outcome of it has paid off. Like I said, this was all an experiment that worked out. I can look at my sons and say "Damn, I created some badass human beings."
Interestingly enough, we’re all gardeners. All fathers, all parents are gardeners. And our children are our seedlings. The best thing that a gardener can do for his garden is his shadow. That means if his shadow's there, he's there. And I was there. I was always fucking there. I was there. We worked in a loft. If I wanted to have lunch with my sons, I opened a door, and we could sit down and have lunch. I took them to school. I went on all the field trips. One of the reasons I went on all the field trips, cause I wanted white folks to see that Black fathers care. I give a fuck. That was my stance.
I guess that’s how I showed love: I am there. I was always there. I encouraged them to talk to me. When we used to see movies, on our way back, we would discuss the movie. We would discuss stuff that I had never known until I was an adult, like the cinematographer, or the person that puts the paintings on the wall, the set director, and all of the shit goes into a movie that nobody shows. I had them look and discuss so they would be exposed.
My oldest son at one point, he couldn't talk to me without crying. He was just so intimidated by me. He said, "You're scary!" And I said, "Is it cause I'm black?" He was just intimidated as fuck, and a lot of it, it was his shit because he didn't want to disappoint me. And I don't know where that came from. I never said, ”Never disappoint me,” but that's how he felt. No matter what, I was there. I know I'm a hard-ass. I can be stern as fuck and stubborn as fuck.
Now, I’m so proud of them doing what they want to do and excelling in their respective games, through the trials and the tribulations. They are sticking with it, finding one of their passions, and going with it to whatever cost. We have dinners and spend time together which I love. There is definitely mutual admiration. They know they can still talk to me.
Each of them are very sensitive. And I think in this world, we should be. However, I just wanted to give them the tools to not be created by the outside. I wanted to show them, "This is the life you can live." In other words, "Design the life you want to live, not the one that's been designed for you." Because most of our life, people think they're living a life. No, motherfucker. They designed that shit. I’ve given them the tools to be free.
We Honor You.
ABOUT RON - Community Activist and self-proclaimed “Gangster Gardener.” Known for his top-rated TED Talk and MasterClass sessions on sustainability and eliminating inner-city food insecurity.
As told to Amy Elisa Jackson for ICON MANN
Photography and Video Direction by Dallas J. Logan + Dae Howerton
FATHER’S DAY 2020
